


Cruel and Kind

by dandelionparasols



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, EXO - Freeform, EXO OT12, JaeYong - Freeform, M/M, MAMA AU, MAMAverse, Romance, kaihan, kailu - Freeform, lukai - Freeform, not unrequited i promise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-11 13:13:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7893973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dandelionparasols/pseuds/dandelionparasols
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The war has ended, but the Planet has yet to be truly safe. The guardians continue with their missions to help with the rehabilitation, but Lu Han is on a mission of his own. There is no other choice, really--he'd risk his own life to save that person, if it will ultimately make Jongin happy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is cross-posted from AFF: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1086002/cruel-and-kind-angst-fantasy-romance-exo-kai-luhan-kailu

The floorboards steal the warmth from his bare feet as he walks across the second floor. Careful not to stumble in the dark or coax noise out of his footsteps, he makes his way to the only other occupied bedroom in the house. Pressing his ear to the door, he listens, stopping himself from shivering so as not to make a sound. For a while, the silence is interspersed only with the hum of his heart beating.

 

And then he hears it. The tossing, the turning, the rustling of the mattress, the terrified sounds coming from the man on the other side of the door. Jongin is edgy in slumber; the nightmares are always most unkind to him. They had been even during the war. All of the guardians fight battles in their dreams; all of them are haunted by the ones who had died by the guardians’ hands. But Lu Han knows that Jongin is more frightened of the faces of the lives he could not save.

 

Especially of that one particular person he could not save.

 

Jongin had always been a restless sleeper. And so on those nights no sound came out from his room, Lu Han was absolutely sure he wasn’t there. Lu Han also knew exactly where he would be and who he would be with; Lu Han knew only too well, but he always pretended otherwise. He also liked to pretend he stood a chance against that person. That even though there had been nights when Jongin had stayed by that person’s side, he always came home to Lu Han in the morning.

 

That had to mean something, right?

 

Tonight, though, tonight, Lu Han’s resolve crumbles, and shifts into another. There is no way he can keep up with his pretense anymore, not when it is hurting the one he loves. Mustering all the broken pieces of bravery still existing in his heart, he makes the decision to accept the truth, and act accordingly regarding it.

 

A few seconds pass with him still listening, then he hears the sound of Jongin falling back to sleep behind the door. Relieved, Lu Han detaches himself from the door and makes his way back from whence he had come.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

Lu Han always insists they break their fast in the sunroom. The room’s walls framing the glass panels are colored a shade lighter than that of spilled coffee. The color graciously welcomes the contrast provided by the potted plants Lu Han has carefully nourished inside the sunroom and the flower beds outside their glass windows.

 

Each morning since they had started to live together, it would be common for Jongin to find Lu Han talking to the potted plants, or even singing to them. The way he lovingly took care of them, _still_ takes care of them, encouraged the plants to grow, the flowers to flourish. Some of them had seemed to wilt during Lu Han’s lengthy absences at the height of the war, but his return nourished most of the flora back to health. Days hooded with thick clouds could not dampen the happy growth of the sunflowers, among others.

 

This morning, though, Jongin finds Lu Han stationary by the small, round table in which they eat their morning meals. His lithe frame is seated facing the windows, his chocolate brown eyes staring out past the flowerbeds seemingly at the first trees of the woods that start where their backyard ends. He seems to be looking, but not seeing, giving Jongin the impression that his mind is elsewhere. Jongin wants to ask if there is anything wrong.

 

All the guardians have moments like this when they ponder things while gazing off into the distance with unseeing, pensive eyes. Lu Han, however, is usually the one who indulges in these moments less frequently. Instead, he is usually the one who is alert, engaging in the rehabilitative activities the planet has mandated for the sake of rebuilding what the war had demolished. He leads the recovery missions, leaving no stone unturned in the pursuit of rescuing those who might still be alive under the rubble the battles have left in the cities. Sometimes he is at the forefront of the teams rounding up the rest of the soldiers of the dark forces.

 

Jongin suspects that most of the time, even when the war has past, Lu Han maintains himself put-together for the sake of the other guardians and the planet’s citizens, but mostly for… for Jongin. He knows that even if he could lay his life down, it would not be enough payment for all that Lu Han has done for Jongin—continues to do for Jongin until now.

 

Lu Han finally notices Jongin standing timidly by the sunroom’s entrance, and so directs to the latter a soft smile. “Let us eat?”

 

Jongin returns the smile, albeit weakly, and sits by the table to partake in the food Lu Han has prepared. He forgets to ask the question.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

Tracing back to when they were still training to be guardians, and even during those moments they barely had time to spare before rushing to missions, Lu Han and Jongin would walk a short distance from their house before leaving for headquarters. Some days Lu Han would point at the flowers or medicinal herbs inconspicuously lining the road, and recite to Jongin their scientific names. Some days he would pick the dandelions—the only flowers Lu Han ever picks because they are noxious weeds, as opposed to the other flowers that thrive pleasantly in their place of residence.

 

Today, they take their short walk silently, with Lu Han seemingly rendered unable to paint the silence with his stories, his words of encouragement, the war tactics he would peruse in his head and share with Jongin out loud. Today, Jongin’s gaze is fixed on Lu Han and he finds that he misses Lu Han’s voice reciting the poems he would have read the previous night.

 

_Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?_

_Thou art more lovely and more temperate._

 

The question is still dangling from Jongin’s lips, but he finds himself unable to voice it. _Is there something wrong, Lu Han?_

 

Probably because at this point, the only thing that is right is that the war is at its end. Everything else is still oscillating, or suspended, until all the citizens that can be rescued have been rescued, and all the dark forces have been captured, and the planet is once again deemed safe.

 

When they reach the fork in the road that would lead to the woods, Lu Han only flashes Jongin another smile as the latter grabs his waist, pulls him body close, and teleports them to headquarters.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

As soon as the sensation of teleporting into headquarters has subsided, Lu Han pulls away, only to backtrack and grab both of Jongin’s arms.

 

“Jongin, I…”

 

Lu Han’s mouth looks like it is poised to tell Jongin something very important, the urgency still palpable in his tiny voice. And Jongin would have forced him to continue, but then Chanyeol is running towards them.

 

“There’s news about Taemin!”

 

This seizes Jongin’s attention entirely. Breaking away from Lu Han’s grip, he dashes to follow Chanyeol. They wind through the corridors and up two sets of staircases, not talking to each other, and come to stop in front of a high-security room where the guardians usually conduct their meetings. It takes two minutes for the retina and handprint scanner to properly identify the two men, which Jongin spends trying not to fidget. When the two-door entrance finally part to allow them access, it is to find the room already occupied with the other members of the EXO division.

 

“Tell me,” Jongin demands, all but breathless.

 

What used to be a very loud exchange between the guardians quiets down at the other two’s arrival. Ten pairs of eyes are now looking at Jongin, but it is Junmyeon who speaks. “We are not sure yet, but—“

 

“Tell me.”

 

“We detected dark force activity in the hinterlands,” Yixing says from his place by the tracking consoles. He directs their attention to the computer screens in front of him. Currently, they are displaying various maps of Planet SM, including the vastness of the hinterlands. On one of the screens, a red circle is flashing, indicating the activity Yixing has mentioned. Jongin is beside him in a second.

 

“Central Command says this may be the last group of dark soldiers we have yet to capture. There is nowhere else for them to go ever since we’ve regained control of the highlands. Their numbers are dwindling, so we suspect they aren’t motivated to split further into groups anytime soon.” Furiously going through the console buttons, Yixing presents them with a zeroed-in map of the location.

 

“Since we may be looking at the last of the dark army,” Minseok pipes in, “it is possible that it is this group that is holding Taemin and the rest of SHINee hostage.”

 

“So what are we still doing here? We should send rescue in there already!” Jongin shouts. He is in a rush to stride to the exit, mentally going through plans that should be formulated for the rescue mission, that he does not notice the silence that befalls the room once more.

 

“Jongin,” Kris rushes out. His voice is strained with that single word that Jongin abruptly stops in his tracks to look back at who has called him. “Central Command has already assembled the rescue team. They… they may have left already.”

 

Stunned, Jongin is now able to take in the heaviness that manifests in each of his fellow guardians’ postures. The ominous atmosphere slowly dawns into him, as he rakes his gaze across each of their faces, demanding for an explanation that nobody seems to want to offer.

 

“We just found out early this morning that they’ve been looking for volunteers for weeks, just in case we do find clues as to where the dark army may be hiding,” Kyungsoo says helplessly. “President Lee insisted on sending only a small team, however, so the Central Command handpicked guardians with the strongest and most unique powers for each guardian to complement the entire team.”

 

A sudden pain lances through Jongin’s stomach at Kyungsoo’s last statement. EXO division has twelve guardians. The absence of one guardian in the room has never struck him harder than now, now when he remembers that this particular guardian is one of the strongest in EXO, if not in the entire federation of Planet SM guardians.

 

“When the dark force signals were picked up by our satellites, Central Command took it as the cue to send the team… We were told just after Chanyeol left to fetch you.”

 

Chanyeol’s sharp intake of breath is the indication that it is his first time hearing of this development as well.

 

“No.” The guardian of teleportation vehemently shakes his head, as his entire body starts shaking violently as well. “No, they wouldn’t send a new team just like that. It took years for us to train as a group! They can’t just expect a bunch of people to go on a surprise mission and function as a unit!! I’m going after them.”

 

He turns on his heel to leave, but is stopped by Baekhyun who grabs onto his arm. “Jongin, please calm down,” Baekhyun pleads, but flinches when Jongin roughly withdraws his arm from his hold, as if scalded.

 

“HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO CALM DOWN!? LU HAN MAY WELL BE ON A SUICIDE MISSION! HAVE ANY OF YOU EVER THOUGHT OF THAT??”

 

“We have, Jongin, we have,” Baekhyun beseeches for his attention once more. “That is why we cannot let you go after them. The dark army is at an advantage in the hinterlands, because they are more familiar with the area. If they are somehow alerted that there are guardians approaching, it might—it might…”

 

What Baekhyun cannot continue, Jongin already knows. It could be fatal for both the rescue team and the hostages. The guardian of teleportation is gripped with one of the most potent types of fears—fear for the safety of someone he loves. This time, though, the situation can make it so that he could lose two of the people he holds most dear.

 

“Junmyeon,” Sehun’s voice is soft when he appeals to one of their leaders. “Please, we can’t just do nothing.”

 

“We have no choice, Sehun,” Junmyeon answers wearily. He suddenly thinks of all the nights when he had certainly wished this feeling of helplessness would never plague him again. But then it has made a rather cruel comeback.

 

“We have no choice but to wait and place our faith in all the guardians that they may all return safe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos are much appreciated, but I'd prefer it if you come tell me what you think. Thank you! ^^
> 
> Say hello on Tumblr: http://andanteallegro.tumblr.com/ or Twitter: http://twitter.com/oddmentblubber/


	2. Chapter 2

Of all the things that could be flashing through Lu Han’s mind while they are moving stealthily through the dense forests of the hinterlands, he is reminded of the Astronomy classes they took when they were younger, as part of their guardian training. Nights had been spent peeking into telescopes to map constellations, compare the sizes of stars and trace the movements of the various planets.

 

Lu Han never liked those classes. He did not fancy delving into something as infinite as the universe. Now, he knows why.

 

It is because Lu Han has never been comfortable with the idea of not knowing something. Familiarizing himself with the galaxy their planet is in, like they used to do in their Astronomy classes, just made Lu Han that much more aware of the vastness of things he did not know of the universe—of the galaxies past their galaxy, of even the stars within their galaxy that are waiting to be picked, to be glimpsed through the telescope too. Can they wait? Or does their starlight fade before someone appreciates its beauty?

 

He is reminded because, earlier, after he had stepped out of the hovercraft that had brought them to the hinterlands, he was able to look up to a sky pinpricked with stars as numerous as grains of sand. They had been told of this by their Astronomy teacher—that in the hinterlands, the sky is much clearer. There is no fog, no particles blocking the magnificent view.

 

For a moment, Lu Han had afforded himself a chance to be caught breathless and amazed, and the idea that Jongin would have appreciated this view much better than he did. He had given himself one last opportunity to think about Jongin, and then cleared his head as he followed the others into the depths of the hinterland forests.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

Still, as he tries to noiselessly walk on soil littered with dried leaves and the protruding roots and stems of various plants, he is tempted to scan the skies for any disturbance, more than necessary. Once or twice, Taeyong has caught him giving longer-than-brief glances up at the firmament. He tries to pretend he is looking out for extraordinary movement from the thick canopy of trees, but it is a task trickier to actually pay attention.

 

What is he looking for anyway? Is he searching for answers? He thought he had figured out the answers before he had left for this mission, which is why he is in this mission in the first place. Is he looking for a way to turn back now?

 

Certainly not. He volunteered for this. There is a reason why he is here.

 

He tries to focus more on his surroundings on land, imitating the way Taeyong is being alert. Taeyong’s asset in the mission is his keen senses. He can spot the difference between the rustling of leaves brought about by the natural course of the wind and that caused by an unnatural disturbance, or pick out aberrant noises before they reach anyone else’s ears, or sense movement from miles away by feeling the ground he is walking on.

 

Yet even when he knows he has the inherent sharp talent, Taeyong likes to make sure that he does not leave anything to chance, that all his senses are actively attuned to the environment instead of merely passively accepting signals. It makes Lu Han feel grateful that Taeyong is here with them, even though he is not supposed to.

 

Taeyong is not fully a guardian yet. He and other boys his age were a year away from being assigned to their own guardian division when the war had reached its peak. Inevitably, due to the need for soldiers to fend off the attacks, Taeyong and the others had been pulled from training to participate in battles they were barely ready for.

 

They were just boys, but the war forced them to fight like men.

 

Many people thought Taeyong was being cocky, asking to be sent in multiple missions to propel himself into the limelight, play the hero. But Lu Han has always known better. He had known the kid ever since he was chosen to train for guardianship. He knows that the only reason Taeyong is sacrificing himself is because he is trying to protect someone else.

 

Like he is doing now.

 

Lu Han had wanted to berate him, wanted to demand that he be sent back home the moment Taeyong had stepped into the hovercraft just before it left headquarters. But Taeyong had only refuted him with reasonable comebacks. The kid’s above average capacity to articulate logical arguments while speaking calmly served to infuriate Lu Han, but there was nothing else that could be done. The team was stronger with him in it; even Yunho, their assigned team leader, had agreed.

 

It still didn’t mean Lu Han was fully okay with it, though.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

_“You know you’ll have to talk to me at some point sooner or later, hyung.” Taeyong’s voice sounds smug, playful even, like it was speaking to him at a location distant from the interior of a hovercraft hoisting them towards a dangerous destination._

_“I prefer later.”_

_Taeyong chuckles from beside Lu Han as he fiddles with the buckle of his seatbelt, the action making low snap, snap noises. Lu Han tries to ignore it, ignore him, by concentrating on the other passengers._

_On the opposite side of the hovercraft, he sees Siwon trying to lay his head on Donghae’s shoulder, even though the bands strapping him to his own seat are preventing him to. It’s an intimate gesture, and Lu Han tries to ignore that too, along with the staggering sensation in his stomach that has nothing to do with travelling in an aircraft._

_“And here I thought you’d be the one to understand why I’m doing this.”_

_His gaze snaps to Taeyong then, noticing for the first time the exhaustion that is etched into the boy’s handsome face. As he tries to throw on a smirk, reminiscent of Jongin's own, it is weary, like an old piece of clothing worn too much and too frequently. At first glance, Taeyong's facial resemblance to Jongin is uncanny, given that they are not blood-related. Both have a rather noticeable jaw yet not too pointy chin; dark brown eyes, almost deeply black when taking in the full face, very expressive; and impressively defined cheekbones. Even as Jongin sports dark brown hair, Taeyong a bright shock of silvery blonde with a few purple strands, they could pass off as brothers._

_But where Jongin has adjusted to the demands of their role in society, sharpening his expressions and hiding a bit behind hooded eyes, Taeyong has yet to stow away the openness of his emotions, has yet to grow from the softness of his façade. It’s unfair, Lu Han thinks, for anyone to be this tired at such a young age._

_“What does that even mean?”_

_“It means I’m not a child, hyung. Don’t think I don’t know that you’re doing the exact same thing. Actually—” the boy cocks him a knowing gaze, “you’re doing worse.”_

_Any other time Lu Han would have crafted a vehement denial, but now it just seems generally unfair to lie. His consciousness catches up with Taeyong’s last words, though. “Worse?”_

_"Jongin-hyung..." Taeyong says gingerly, as if testing unchartered waters. "He doesn't know, does he?"_

_The mention of Jongin's name gives Lu Han pause, making him go through the nights he'd mulled the mission over in his head. The irony stands that the reason why he had volunteered is also the reason why he’d hesitated and wanted to pull back. The reason has always been Jongin._

_Instead of answering however, he clears his throat and poses his own question. "What about Jaehyun, does he know?"_

_"Well," says Taeyong. Unconsciously, he stops snapping the belt buckle. "He probably knows now. President Lee was set to alert all units to stand by the moment we left headquarters."_

_"So you didn't tell him yourself?"_

_"Nope."_

_"Why not?"_

_"Come on, hyung." His tone is serious as he glances over at the elder. "We both know he'd have volunteered to come himself if he found out they'd been recruiting guardians. I wasn't gonna let that happen."_

_"So you're being a hero out on a dangerous mission and you didn't even tell your friend?"_

_At this, Taeyong lets out a chuckle. "Sounds like something you’d do, right? My situation’s different from yours, though.”_

_“Different how?”_

_"Because Jongin-hyung is your boyfriend," he replies exasperatedly. "Aren't people who are in a relationship supposed to share things with each other? Especially suicide missions and other potentially dangerous and important stuff, yada yada?" He allows a sidelong glance towards his companion that makes Lu Han feel as if he was being tried by a jury._

_His eyes widen and his lips part quite a distance as he tries to process Taeyong's assumption. "Boyfriend? What— Why on earth would you think that?"_

_"Think what?"_

_"That Jongin is.. well, that he and I are in a relationship?"_

_Taeyong can't help it; he gawps at his hyung. "You're not?"_

_The other shakes his head, not understanding his need to swallow as well. It's like a lump has wedged itself past his throat and taken residence in his stomach, heavy with the weight of his negative response._

_"Oh," says Taeyong dumbly, shaking his head in disbelief. "_ Oh _. Really? I mean, we thought you guys were practically married."_

_"_ We _?" asks Lu Han, voice raspy._

_"Everybody?" replies Taeyong, much to Lu Han's wide-eyed horror. "We just assumed since, you know, you guys are always together and you live together and you treat each other like, I don't know, like there's no other person you'd rather be with at any moment and— hyung? Hyung, are you alright?"_

_For Lu Han has launched into a coughing fit that he doesn't think is due to bacteria or an illness. Taeyong tries to thump him on the back but can only appear to flail on his seat, hitting Lu Han on the shoulder._

_"Ow. Wait, Taeyong. I'm— I'm fine." Lu Han bats his hand away, wheezing as the coughing starts to die down. "I'm fine, just give me a moment."_

_"I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd be upset about what I said," Taeyong murmurs._

_"I'm not upset." Lu Han attempts a nonchalant tone. "Just surprised, is all."_

_"You tell me surprised! Wait till the other NCT members find out, when all the other units find out. They'd be devastated! You guys were long the poster couple for a perfect relationship."_

_"Yeah, well," Lu Han clears his throat, looking away. "There's no relationship, so..."_

_Taeyong regards him with confusion, until realization dawns into his brown eyes. "But you love him... don't you? You’re in love with him?" He gasps._

_"I..." Lu Han's gaze swings back to his face. The denial surges at him, wants to be let out into the air, but he quashes it down. En route to an area that the enemy knows much more than their small rescue party has ever mapped in the weeks they've strategized, the odds are stacked against their survival. Lu Han has found it in himself to accept that he might not make it out alive in this mission. In what may be his remaining hours left, he decides to give truth its wings this time._

_"I am."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it isn't obvious, the Italicized parts are from a flashback of moments before what happened in the first few paragraphs.
> 
> Give me some love, will you? ♥

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos are much appreciated, but I'd prefer it if you come tell me what you think. Thank you! ^_^


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